Guidance Required To Do The Right Decision.

[Sawali]

Assalam u Alaikum

I'll try to make it brief, I did love marriage in Dec. 2007 and have 3 children 2 boys & 1 girl. Our married life is presently in serious problem. Our financial position has remained good overall and we have passed satisfactory time. During past, about 10 times there had been conflict between us and unfortunately I have been abusive and also beaten her, and she went to her mother ( her mother lives alone as her husband left her when my wife was about 12 years old but not divorsed) for four times in response of my attitude. Her mother always took my wife's side and I always apologized for my behaviour. But my behaviour has not been bad always we have passed good times also, all occasions i.e. Birthdays, Marriage Anniversery, 12 to 15 days outing tours for two times, my children are studying in best school of area and I provide maximum facilities to my family. I have never stopped my wife for going to her family. I was satisfied that we r happy family. But, on 10th September 2016 I came to know about her cheating that she shared her picture to somebody. This was a desaster for me. But I kept myself calm and gently asked her. In start she denied but when I strictly asked she accepted and told that for one year she has been in this relationship. It started in Aug-2015 as that man started talking to her as a female then in 10 days he expressed that he is male, then my wife been angry and in October he again contacted and said sorry. Then in November my wife went to meet him. He dropped my wife to her office in his car and shaked hand with my wife when she was going. No other bad thing was done as per my wife, but he wanted to take her to some restaurant. Then there had no contact as he was busy and again he contacted my wife in mid of August 2016. Then he did sexting with my wife i.e. asking to send kiss picture and other pictures. My wife sent her lips pictures and her own most good pictures modified in software to look more pretty. Then he asked for sexy pictures and convinced her to send. My wife sent two pictures one stretching her shirt down to show her breast line and second pulling her shirt up to show her one breast in breazer. This is all she told and no other naked picture she has sent. As this was unacceptable to me I started checking her facebook and found 6 other relations, and to one of which she sent her normal picture. No sexual talk I found written by my wife but they all praised her beauty and body and she thanked them. In these six relationships two were her ex-lovers to whom she herself contacted on facebook and called also for telling that she is happy and asking them about their life, and then for one month she kept in touch. Other than these six there are other chattings with men around 20, who praised her beauty and my wife thanked them. My observation is that my wife did not talk wrong herself but as the men derived her she always did. She never mind that some other man is taking interest in her. And finally she did the above. This all I came to kbow in 3 months because she was telling lie and during this I also beaten her bitterly for six times. Also kept my behaviour that she is no more wanted to me. But she kept bearing all, which in the past she could not bear. She accepted that all and the reason she told that only internet enjoyment. Still my behaviour was very rude but I felt love for her always. If beaten her then loved her also. For all three months love and angerness both were beibg done. Beating was done as she was not telling the truth and when I beaten she accepted. Finally, on 5th December, I needed some documents and she replied that those are at her mother's house. I asked then she told that I was afraid that if I divorse her atleast she should has her documents. This was also that she did not trust me. Moreover, on the same day a Hi message with her name in a frank manner was received on her mobile and when I asked she said that she doesn't know him, but, message was frank and he also shared his name, but my wife kept saying that she does not know him. I beaten him on that day and she called to her mither, who came and took my wife with her. My mother in law also badly insulted me and said that she can't bear me now and told to have divorse. My wife left with her mother. she always shared her number with men and also accepted male friendship on facebook. After going to her mother's home my wife told her about my behavior and her family is now against me. I'm waiting for their family decision. They are taking all is my mistake and their girl is innocent. I am wrong that I have beaten her. Now tell me what should I do. I still think that she had some sexual relarionships too but I have not found out and she is saying no there had been no sexual relationship all is told to me. I want her back but I don't trust her. She also wants to come and her family will decide in couple of days. Please tell me what I should do. I have three chidren of ages boy 9yrs, girl 8 yrs and boy 2 years. She and her family are taking that Y I've beaten her? And they don't want to listen me and my feelings are nothing. I'm puzzled that should I accept her. My heart says yes but when I look to her past deeds, I can't trust her now.

[MuhammedAli]

Salam alayqum,

Brother let me guide you with a Hadith. Please read the entire Hadith:

"After Ishmael's mother had died, Abraham came after Ishmael's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before, but he did not find Ishmael there. When he asked Ishmael's wife about him, she replied, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.' Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, 'We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution,' complaining to him. He said, 'When your husband returns, convey my salutation to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).' When Ishmael came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife, 'Has anyone visited you?' She replied, 'Yes, an old man of so-and-so description came and asked me about you and I informed him, and he asked about our state of living, and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.' On that Ishmael said, 'Did he advise you anything?' She replied, 'Yes, he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.' Ishmael said, 'It was my father, and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.' So, Ishmael divorced her and married another woman from amongst them (i.e. Jurhum). Then Abraham stayed away from them for a period as long as Allah wished and called on them again but did not find Ishmael. So he came to Ishmael's wife and asked her about Ishmael. She said, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.' Abraham asked her, 'How are you getting on?' asking her about their sustenance and living. She replied, 'We are prosperous and well-off (i.e. we have everything in abundance).' Then she thanked Allah' Abraham said, 'What kind of food do you eat?' She said. 'Meat.' He said, 'What do you drink?' She said, 'Water." He said, "O Allah! Bless their meat and water." The Prophet added, "At that time they did not have grain, and if they had grain, he would have also invoked Allah to bless it." The Prophet (ﷺ) added, "If somebody has only these two things as his sustenance, his health and disposition will be badly affected, unless he lives in Mecca." The Prophet (ﷺ) added," Then Abraham said Ishmael's wife, "When your husband comes, give my regards to him and tell him that he should keep firm the threshold of his gate.' When Ishmael came back, he asked his wife, 'Did anyone call on you?' She replied, 'Yes, a good-looking old man came to me,' so she praised him and added. 'He asked about you, and I informed him, and he asked about our livelihood and I told him that we were in a good condition.' Ishmael asked her, 'Did he give you any piece of advice?' She said, 'Yes, he told me to give his regards to you and ordered that you should keep firm the threshold of your gate.' On that Ishmael said, 'It was my father, and you are the threshold (of the gate). He has ordered me to keep you with me.'" [Ref: Bukhari, Book 55, Hadith 583]

Note Prophet Ibrahim (alayhis salaam) instructed his son Prophet Ishmael (alayhis salaam) to divorce his wife because she was not pleased in her situation and had complained of poverty. Compare actions of your wife with actions of wife of Prophet Ishmael (alayhis salaam) and see who was worse in disobedience to Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala)? And should you change the gate and get a gate which is going to protect your house, your honour, and her own honour. My advice get rid of that gate she isn't worth being your wife or wife of any Muslim. And you have moral responsibility to inform others of her immoral character so they are not affected by her lewdness. A Muslim only wants for another Muslim what he wishes for himself.

[Abdullah Yusuf]

Exactly right MuhammadAli bhai jaan said well with the hadith
you should divorce her because this relationship is a disaster this is gonna be problems for your kids in the future life 
If you can't trust your wife then end this relationship. 
READ THIS HADITH. This is what our beloved Nabi Kareem   said
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."

Sahih Bukhari 1:2:28

[Sybarite]

To be honest you should think very thoroughly before reaching a conclusion. What I guessed after reading it all, I think your wife being encouraged by her mother to some real bad extent. As you've been shown the hadith in this regard, you can leave her. But ask yourself if you are ready to either let go of your children or to raise them without their mother? Also think again and see if there is anything missing in your marital life which caused your wife to go seek attention from guys other than her husband? Think as hard as you can and see if you can find a something which can repair your relationship. Did you try to talk to her that why she need other guys appreciating her beauty? If I were you, I would first try my best to find the reason why she is doing it by taking her in her comfort zone where she'll fearlessly admit why she is doing it and then I'll conclude whether its a repairable relation or should I just put an end to it for good. Conclusively if you find that there is nothing wrong from your side and her extra-marital affairs are habitual, then sure you must leave her.

May Allah and his Rasool (Sallallahu Allaihe Wasallam) help you make the right decision. 

[Uhaamz]

Asalamoalaikm i also want help from all of you kibdly help me. Meri shadi ko 4 years hoe h meri shadi love marriage h at the time of marriage mere husband shadi shuda thy 4kids h un k un ko un ki wife pasand nhi thi.meri shadi k waqt un ka apni wife se relation nhi tha aur shart b yhi thi k wh apni pehli wife se relatio nhi rkheinge wh us ko talaq nhi dai skty thy kch gharelo masail ki wajah se. Now after 4 year meri 2nd baby ki birth k baad ub woh apni pehli biwi k sath b rehna chahty h n mjhe b talaq nhi dai rhy mjhe meri maa k ghar chor diya h k main mind set kro sath rhne ka ya phr aise hi rehti raho. Ub main un se talaq laina chahti hn kiya yh thel h? Mjhe advice krein mjhe kiya krna chahye

[Abdullah Yusuf]

Asalamoalaikm i also want help from all of you kibdly help me. Meri shadi ko 4 years hoe h meri shadi love marriage h at the time of marriage mere husband shadi shuda thy 4kids h un k un ko un ki wife pasand nhi thi.meri shadi k waqt un ka apni wife se relation nhi tha aur shart b yhi thi k wh apni pehli wife se relatio nhi rkheinge wh us ko talaq nhi dai skty thy kch gharelo masail ki wajah se. Now after 4 year meri 2nd baby ki birth k baad ub woh apni pehli biwi k sath b rehna chahty h n mjhe b talaq nhi dai rhy mjhe meri maa k ghar chor diya h k main mind set kro sath rhne ka ya phr aise hi rehti raho. Ub main un se talaq laina chahti hn kiya yh thel h? Mjhe advice krein mjhe kiya krna chahye

Agar ap k husband apko bhi utni importance dete hain jitni woh apni pehli wife ko dete hain. Apko bhi un k sath rakhna chahte hain tau is main koi maslah nai kyunki yeh shariat k mutabiq bilkul jaiz hai or apko bhi is se koi maslah nai hona chahiye kyunki shariat main is ki ijazat hai lekin yeh is condition per hai k woh apko bilkul waise hi treat krte hain jaise pehli wife ko ap dono main kisi kism ka koi farak nai krte.

Apko apne husband ka sath dena chahiye or agar woh pehli wife k sath apko rakhna chahte hain tau apko is main koi maslah nai hona chahiye 

Humari Nabi Kareem S.A.W.W ki 11 Wives theen or ap sab se be inteha pyaar krte they 

Or Quran pak 4 wife rakhne ki ijazat deta hai tau agar apke husband apke khane peene or rehne ka poora khyaal rakhte hain or apko har woh cheez dete hain jo pehli wife ko dete hain or ap dono ko equal treat krte hain tau apko un ka sath dena chahiye 

[Uhaamz]

Thanks

[Abdullah Yusuf]

Thanks

Agar shart condition yeh theen shadi k waqt k woh apni pehli wife k pas nai jayen ge tau phir ap un se yeh haq mang saktin hain lekin better yehi hai k un ka sath den